Dear Friends: Day ninety-eight, and our President Donald J. Trump approaches Saturday's finish line picking up speed like Usain Bolt, on speed. He's been congratulated here already, and here's the most recent poll numbers:
- Would vote today for:
- Trump - 43%
- Clinton - 40%
- Don't regret voting for:
- Trump - 92%
- Clinton - 2%
- Question polls that never equal 100%:
- Trump - 97%
- Clinton - 2%
But the polls have proven fake, anyway. We live in a world of fake news and fake poll numbers. And those books were cooked long ago. These days, you simply and predictably have to predict the unpredictable, by asking Vegas:
- 5,000 - 1. Leicester City FC wins EPL Premiership in 2016
- 5,000 - 1 Leicester City repeats EPL Premiership in 2017
- 500 - 1 Leicester implodes like a jelly donut in space and wins relegation in 2017
- 5 - 1 The Philadelphia Eagles, in a move to market ESPN'S NFL Draft in Philly, use their first round draft pick to draft Sylvester Stallone
It's certainly a tourist's market in Philly this week. ESPN has moved in and brought all their biggest and best toys with them. But not for Rocky-phytes. The steps have been staged, and any attempts at stage-climbing will be met by Clubber Lang. And if you travel in from Idaho or Iowa or Indiana or Uzbeketania, and expect to run up those stairs, don't. You will be arrested, and you will be subjected to immediate deportation: to Dallas. And that's a cruel and unusual punishment, indeed.
Draftwise: Odds are uncomfortably high (for all involved, except Mel Kuyper, who relishes in draft-day-drama vigorish) for the Eagles to solidify their offense by drafting Joe Mixon. He's the Oklahoma Sooners running back who punched a woman in the face, caught on video, and not named Ray Rice. So let's be Philly-frank here: bleep that guy. That guy doesn't belong in Philly.
A quick recent history: Michael Vick belonged in Philly. His crimes were heinous, but he paid for them with hard time, deserved and received a second chance, and has used it to become by all accounts a respectable citizen worthy of redemption. Riley Cooper should've had his racist butt kicked right the bleep out of Philly, immediately. That guy was a racist and all-around douche. (I have this on the good word of a cousin who was at a party when that guy showed up and was a total and all-around douche.) And Joe Mixon does not belong in Philly. 100 hours of community service? Come on, man. He belongs in Oakland.
Legal question: How long before concussions are linked to domestic violence? You just know there's a law firm out there in Berkeley working on it. Their equation: there's probably a fortune to be made in concussion-induced domestic violence. And fact: the average rookie contract is multiple times the later rounds, and those Berkeley lawyers will know exactly how to work that equation, with or without the blessing of Roger Goodell. But until then, we'll only agree to watch that guy on TV, and only as long as he's drafted by Oakland. In the 2nd round. He can't afford that lawyer yet, not in Berkeley. Pro Bono is no longer in the Berkeley lexicon. Even the protestors get paid these days, in Berkeley.
But in Philly, hope still remains for the Eagles to use the 14th pick in the first round to draft Stanford Cardinal running back Christian McCaffery. Gotta love the name. Gotta love the game. Gotta love that his dad is former NFLer Ed "Eddie" McCaffery. And fact: last time we checked, football is best played as a family business:
- Manning, Archie. et.al
- Mathews, Clay. et.al.
- Walken, Christopher. et.al.
Yes, in Maryland they know two things: football and crabcakes. But in Philly, we know two even better things: football and cheesesteaks. And Philly-ball kicks Mary-ball butt any day of the year. And a cheesesteak will kick any number of crabcakes' butts any day of any year.
It dates back to the founding fathers. They invented football, right here in Philly. There was Ben "Up the Gut" Franklin and George "Slinger" Washington and Tommy "No Shoes" Jefferson and the rest of the boys. And those boys really knew how to play. They played for horses. And for women. And for cheese. And if you lost, your women made the cheesesteaks, and made them out of your horses.
(Historical note: Using horse meat is still a common practice in some cheesesteak joints today, but only the ones we recommend to tourists. And little known fact: Ben "Up the Gut" Franklin, amongst his myriad of many inventions, also invented ketchup. Good old "Up the Gut" always thought outside the horse.)
And well-known fact: A cheesesteak will kick the sandwich butt out of any sandwich in the world, anytime, anyplace, and I'll defend that claim to my grave, which also in fact may be earlier than hoped for, given all the cheesesteaks.
And best-known fact, in fact: Philly owns the top three spots in Historical Sandwich Dominance:
- Cheesesteak, made in Philly.
- Roast Pork Sandwich, also made in Philly.
- Italian Hoagie, only made in Philly.
I won't divulge the artistic details here. You'll just hafta visit and see. (Or, look in the footnotes.1) And we have an old, un-said saying in Philly: you can have sandwich after sandwich in Philly, and never have the same sandwich twice, because each sandwich gets its own individual due, and its own individual respect, and each gets presented on the number one most necessary ingredient of all: its very own Philly roll. And we'll take on any and all challengers to that claim. Just show up, with your sandwich, and an appetite. We're always buying here. In Philly, that's how we always roll.
1The Fundamentals. Cheesesteak: chipped beef, American cheese, fried onions, Amoroso's Roll, ketchup; Side: cheese-fries; Drink: beer, preferably Yuengling. Roast Pork Sandwich: sliced roast pork, sharp provolone, broccoli rabe, roasted red peppers, Termini Bros. roll; Side: long-hots; Drink: beer, preferably Peroni. Italian Hoagie: salami, Genoa or otherwise, prosciutto, Parma or otherwise, capicola, hot, dry, or cured, suprasetta, said just like that, mortadella, the more the betta, provolone, mild or sharp, always imported, mozzarella, fresh or aged, and on any Italian roll, soft, chewy, sesame, or all of the above, oil and/or mayo on the roll, with lettuce, tomatoe, onion, sweet and/or hot peppers, and all of it topped lovingly with oil and oregano; Side: salty chips; Drink: ice-cold coca-cola.
And please remember, with cheesesteaks and roast pork sandwiches, less is always more, but if you're gonna go grab an Italian hoagie, you always go huge.