Dear Friends: Fox News mega-news-star Bill O'Reilly, that twenty year heavyweight champion of all news, seems to have broken the cardinal rule of the news business: those in the news should never be in the news. Translated for the rest of us: he bleeped where he eats. Or allegedly bleeped where he eats. Or bleeped where he eats, allegedly. Who the bleep knows? He's denying it all. Although, we simply have to ask, would he deny it in the No-Spin Zone?
Enquiring minds want to know. So Chelsea, your first gig. (Whenever you find time away from your newest gig as Ivy League professor. A professor of what, we have no idea. Presumably, "The history of all things Clinton: A Philosophy." And maybe you teach a "journalism" class titled, "50 careers in 50 years: A (pre-emptive) memoir." And maybe, a history seminar titled, "Let them eat Cake." Or maybe even a survey course in Philosophy titled, "Why am I even here?" But of course, I digress. The Clintons will do that to you.)
So can we all instead imagine Chelsea Clinton, "former journalist," interviewing Bill O'Reilly, former journalist? (Without even considering the lame line about her needing a 5 ft. restraining order in order to interview him. That would be lame. And after all, it is Chelsea. And, I digress. Again. The Clintons simply do that to you.)
So instead, let's imagine up an interview between Bill O'Reilly (formerly of The O'Reilly Factor, and billed as: Caution! You're entering into the No-Spin Zone! (and yeah, let's see if that holds up)), and Chelsea Clinton, and Chelsea will be interviewing Bill -- where else but in the No-Spin Zone!
- Chelsea Clinton: So, Mister Bill O'Reilly, did you do it?
- Bill O'Reilly: No.
- CC: I believe you. Did you like my Mister Bill joke?
- BO: No.
- CC: But Mister Bill, it was written just for me! Just to say to you!
- BO: So?
- CC: By one of the best writers in the whole world!
- BO: So?
- CC: Don't you even wanna know who it is?
- BO: No.
- CC: But she 's the voice of my generation!
- BO: So?
- CC: And you still don't wanna know who it is?
- BO: No.
- CC: Well, it's Lena Dunhill.
- BO: Who?
- CC: Lena Dunhill!
- BO: (Blank stare.)
- CC: Mister Bill, I really thought you were gonna be a lot more fun than this.
- BO: How so?
- CC: 13 million dollars? Even my dad never spent that on --
- BO: Whoa.
- CC: Whoa what?
- BO: No.
- CC: No what?
- BO: No no.
- CC: Mister Bill, was that a double negative?
- CC: No.
- CC: Are you sure?
- BO: No.
- CC: Hmm.
- (A silence. A long silence. Chelsea consults her notes.)
- CC: So, Mister Bill O'Reilly, did you do it?
- BO: No! And why do you keep asking me that same question!
- (Another silence. A longer silence. Chelsea consults her notes again.)
- CC: Because enquiring minds want to know?
Indeed. But of course, minds that think outside the gutter only want to know one thing: what will Bill's comeback story be? Because there's definitely a story out there. And Bill O'Reilly definitely knows how to deliver the story. And America loves a comeback story.