Dear Friends: Do we all remember chemistry class? Electrons and protons and neutrons and test-tubes and beakers and pipettes and every bleeping thing measured in liters and milliliters and bleeping moles? Moles? What the bleep is a mole, anyway? Like, I know what a mole is, but I have no idea what a mole is? It just seems like such a randomly accidental name for a unit of measurement, right?
But of course, I'm no chemical genius. (Funny story there: my high school chemistry teacher, a well-liked teacher, by most, and we're talking 10th grade chemistry here, not the abysmal AP Chemistry (a whole other, not so funny story, unless you're into pop-quizzes from hell), but my 10th grade chemistry teacher had the unfortunate misfortune of having a large mole on his cheek, but fortunately, it was a non-hairy mole. (Although, it was large. And raised. But non-hairy.) Poor guy. A chemistry teacher nicknamed mole. And in typically cliched high school fashion, some a-hole (excuse the French), who probably sucked at chemistry, had scrawled the word mole in big, perma-ink black letters behind the back of the pull-down periodic chart, and although hidden from all, we all knew it was there. But I liked my 10th grade chemistry teacher (and also liked my AP teacher, despite the pop-quizzes from hell), and did quite well in his chemistry class. And, in a funny irony, he never once pronounced my name right, not even once. Yeah, I was one of those foreign-smart-oxymoron kids. But I learned my chemistry, and he helped thicken my skin. Which thankfully, is still relatively mole-free. But we all get our moles eventually. And hopefully, all of the non-hairy variety.)
And now, despite my clear talent for chemistry of the non-AP variety, I'm no Doctor of Chemistry, nor a Doctor of Pimple-popping/Mole-removal, nor a Doctor of anything, so I'm not in the solution business. (And I have no claim to pointing out problems without providing solutions, since that's the exclusive providence of progressives.) Now, I'm much more into the question-asking business, and since it's a business, let's call it Skeptics-R-UsICTM, and as for the chemistry of our government, lately, there sure does seem to be a whole lotta moles.
Question #1: Who is Doctor Evelyn Farkas? And what exactly is she a doctor of? Presumably, is she a Doctor of Russian Studies in Illegal Intelligence Dissemination? And if a lower-level government beaurocrat (a technical term, so) in the code-name Barrack Hosein Obama administration had access to high-level top-secret intelligence, Russian or otherwise, what the bleep? And then, she worked for the Hillary campaign? Like yo, double down on what the bleep, right? And then, she gives an interview on a cable "news-show" on all of the above? And now seems to be getting a pass from the entire liberal-media-industrial-fake-news-complex? And shouldn't this whole issue be handled far more simply? Like by a true professional? As in a Doctor of Jurisprudence?
Solution: Doctor Evelyn Farkas should definitely be re-interviewed, and we here nominate South Carolina Congressman Trey Gowdy to do it, because that man rocks an interview like no other. A+ total SC Gamecock, and he has the haircut to prove it, because he wears it like a Gamecock crown, and wears it well. And if his haircut is a ruse designed for you to underestimate him, well played, Congressman. You don't want to underestimate him. He rocks an interview. Like no other. And we love ya for it, Congressman Trey Gowdy.
Question #2: What has Chelsea Clinton ever done to achieve a lifetime achievement award in anything? Isn't she like all of 37 years old? And other than landing a $650,000 a year (her minimum wage) job as a "journalist"1 (despite her clear talent for so much more), and being born a Clinton, is there anything else? And as for her journalistic chops, just imagine the journalistic intuition it must've taken to question whether the "photo" of Abraham Lincoln wearing a red Make America Great Again hat was, and I'm quoting Chelsea here, "Please tell me this is photoshopped. Please?" Really, Chelsea? Abe Lincoln wearing a MAGA hat, like what, during the past campaign? Or maybe Honest Abe had that photo taken during his own campaign?
Solution: Enquiring minds want to know, and if National Enquirer is hiring, you know what to do, Chelsea.
Question #3: When is Big Pharma gonna get into the medical marijuana business already? Come on, man, right? Haven't we all gotten the memo yet that marijuana won't kill you, and it won't addict you, and is clearly so much better for you than being addicted to bleeping opioids? Even I know this, and am I a chemist? And didn't I already answer that question? And in a way, isn't opioid addiction a modern plague, and in a way, created by Big Phama? We all understand it was a purely unintentional plague, Big Pharma, and we all value what you do, but shouldn't amends be made? And don't we all know by now to trust private enterprise and free market capitalism to do absolutely every-and-anything better than the government?
Solution: Government, you regulate it. And Big Pharma, you produce and provide it, and price it reasonably, for crying out loud, and any and all people addicted to opioids need to sign up for it, immediately, and take two tokes, and you'll wanna get up in the morning again. But please, and as always, toke responsibly, and afterwards, eat responsibly, but laugh at will, because although addiction is absolutely no joking matter, laughter is truly the best medicine, which is what we try to prescribe here. And which, somehow, brings us all back to Chelsea Clinton.
1Chelsea Clinton probably invented the whole fake-news phenomena2, when you think about it, which is quite the achievement.
2See Couric, Katie and Koppel, Ted for recent examples of Chelsea Clinton's pioneering journalistic work.