Dear Friends: By a quick raise of hands, how many people out there love the movies? That's right. All of us. No polls needed. Because whether you've watched every movie ever released, or just the event-movies, we've all seen a movie. And probably loved it. No, definitely loved it. (Think E.T. Everybody loved E.T.) Because we all love movies. However, whether we all love Hollywood, and Hollywood movie stars, is a different story, because they just can't keep their over-paid, over-sexed, over-coked noses out of our politics.
So, let's have some fun with that, by joining Hollywood on the red carpet, which, if Hollywood could have its way, would be a red-velvet iced-cake carpet, iced with cocaine. (Although, they might agree the cocaine shouldn't be on the carpet, it should be a little higher up, like on little water-fountain-type-things, at easy nose level. And, they might also agree the cocaine shouldn't come from Mexico, you know, with the whole wall thing and all. But, only the cocaine. Not the immigrants, whom they need to roll out their red carpet.)
And, since we're only normal people, and not Hollywood's intellectual-elite, we only want to interview Meryl Streep. And to do it, we've hired Jackie Mason,1 a totally funny-old Jew. (Yes, he's old, and yes, he's funny. And yes, he's a Jew. And yes, that'll be relevant later. And God bless Jackie for being chosen to be funny, and for being chosen to be a Jew, and for choosing to call out that pompous bleep, Meryl Streep.)
So whaddaya say we all listen in on the pre-interview, from the cozy, Dolby Theatre green room:
- Jackie Mason: So, Meryl, have you seen the video?1
- Meryl Streep: That's funny, Jackie.
- JM: Why's it funny, Meryl?
- MS: Because you're funny, Jackie.
- JM: Am I?
- MS: Of course you are, darling. We all love you.
- JM: Do you?
- MS: Yes Jackie. We do.
- JM: Why?
- MS: (Silence. But a polite silence.)
- JM: Did you not understand the question?
- MS: (Silence. A less-polite silence.)
- JM: Did I stutter?
- MS: (A pregnant silence.2)
- JM: Let's move on. Are you gonna speak again, although you're not nominated for anything, and won't win anything, like the last time?
- MS: Jackie. I am nominated this time.
- JM: Well, that's a surprise. (Jackie says this with dripping sarcasm.)
- MS: Jackie. I can't understand your anger. You're supposed to be funny. And, you're supposed to be a Jew.
- JM: (Silence. A rare occurrence for Jackie. It doesn't last.) A Jew in what?
- MS: In not asking me brown-shirted questions. Let me remind you, Jackie, to be a brown-nose, but not a brown-shirt.
- JM: Really? (Jackie says this with emphasis.)
- MS: Yes, Jackie. You should've gotten the memo by now.
- JM: Really? (Jackie says this with even more emphasis.)
- MS: (Silence. With emphasis returned. In the form of that perpetually-smug Meryl Streep smile.)
- JM: That's it. I'm done. Get this bleep outta here.
- (And, he waits for her to leave, or be removed, or do anything but look at him with that smug bleeping smile.)
- MS: Actually, Jackie, you're interviewing me.
- JM: So?
- MS: (A totally pregnant silence.2)
- JM: You're joking, right?
- MS: No.
- JM: (After a real short silence.) Well look at that, a Jew broad, telling me to leave. And without any Manischewitz.3
- MS: Jackie, I am neither a Jew, nor a broad.
- JM: Exactly. So go bleep your non-Jew non-broad self.
- (And Jackie walks off, but doesn't bother to drop the mike, because he figures he's wired anyway, by those bleeping Hollywood bleeps.)
And, to be continued...
1Inspired by the video of Jackie's takedown of Meryl's anti-Trump Golden Globe's speech.
2Although, maybe not so pregnant, since Meryl supports Planned Parenthood, despite pregnant silences being totally thespian.
3Pesci, Joe. As Tommy DeVito4 in "Goodfellas". (Warner Brothers; 1990.)
4Tommy was not a Jew. But, despite what he said, he was funny.